Pick one thing every morning, that you are going to do really well that day, and then do it. Ie: Love people, or have Peace of Mind, or Choosing Joy in all, or being Patient. Basically, pick a fruit of the spirit, ask the Holy Spirit to help with a laser focus on that trait and then do everything with that trait.
Today mine is being patient. I am doing everything today with the HS thru the lens of utter and complete patience.
I am surprisingly happy with this trait thus far today.
May 29, 2012
April 01, 2012
Ephesians 2:10...
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Given that it is Palm Sunday and we are approaching Easter, knowing that Christ died to pay for our sin, goes to hell to fight and come out victorious, and raises himself from the dead, so that he can tell us that we are created anew, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago...
What good things are you doing, knowing or unknowing, conscious or unconscious?
Here is what I am doing:
1. I am fully living in the truth that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.
2. I am continuing to look at my own specks and not look at anyone else's logs.
3. I am diligently learning to understand and accept the radical grace I have received and help others know that it is for them too.
I love this word masterpiece. A masterpiece is an art form of any kind that is respected and awed by everyone. It is so well done that all can give appreciation and accolade.
That is who we are.
A.
Masterpiece.
(makes me want to curtsy)
March 29, 2012
Friends ward off the vortex
I woke up this morning. Got ready. Came to work. Felt crummy.
Why?
Twenty four hours of living in my head is why. We were stirred to think about our life and our story at staff meeting yesterday. From there I recognized a pattern in my life that I have not articulated to the detail that I was able to articulate yesterday.
I do all things out of a fear of failure and just about the time I could expereience any kind of success, I flip to the other side of the coin and have a tremendous fear of success. I back away and don't finish. So powerful is this fear of success that I then feel like a failure by never completing anything. And then the failure launches me right back into perfection and driving at success.
Argh! Yuck!
I went to my mentor. What do I do with this? He told me I was in quicksand and sinking. That when the swirl of pain and lies fill our head and we can't see our way out, we just circle the drain. He said that talking to someone that can see the bigger picture is good, they can reach in and grab you out of the quicksand. Which he did.
So here is some truth. These fears of failure and success are real. God is also real, His spirit dwells in me and I have been given fullness in Christ. So, enough with the backing away from success. Also, enough with failure. Let's just be messy and have failure and success every day.
For example, I failed to get up on time this morning but I am successfully wearing a new yellow and white striped sweater. I failed to get the dry cleaning to the dry cleaners on my way to work to be ready Saturday but I successfully encourage a friend for an hour this morning. I have so far failed to get to the bottom of my desk at work but I have successfully answered all emails that were in my inbox from yesterday. So there you go, lots of failures, success, laughs, tears. It's messy.
I am so grateful for letting friends speak into my life and being willing to reach in and pull me out of my own vortex of quicksand. Whew, that's a dangerous place to be.
What drain are you circling in your brain today? Can you ask a friend to reach in and pull you out?
March 27, 2012
Places I'd like to go on vaca in the next 30 years
Seattle - Space Needle & Starbucks
Nashville - Grand Ol' Opry
Tuscany - Everything
London - Look Kids, Big Ben
Sydney - Everything
South Africa - Go in a great white shark tank
That's two domestic locations and 5 stamp opportunities for my passport.
That's one vaca every five years for the next 30 years. Is that doable. It is if we make it a priority. I think we shall.
Where do you want to go in the next 30 years?
An apology
I was super rude to one of our pastors last week. He had overlooked something that directly impacted me and I was mad. The truth was I was hurt because it was something super important to me and therefore it should be that important to the whole world, right?
When I saw him the next day, we were around a bunch of our colleagues and I just gave him a mean look. And not on accident. I wanted him to know that what he did was not okay. And of course, then I felt like crap on so many levels.
It's like the line from You've Got Mail where Meg and Tom are having a dialogue about the "zinger" but then the second it happens remorse immediately sets in. Yes, that it exactly how I felt. I got the look in and he knew it but then I felt so low. Who the heck was I to give him that kind of look?
Usually I walk away from these kinds of encounters and feel low forever. I assume that person will never like me again and relationship is lost. I take the plank from my eye and build a house around myself, a wall so big between myself and the other person that I can no longer see them and then stay in the box and never come out.
Later that night I got to thinking about ammends. In teaching on the 12 steps and applying them to my own life and codependance, I had a new thought. What if I went and apologized to this pastor? What if I shared that I was wrong in that moment, I behaved out of hurt and asked for his forgiveness? It's funny that amends is really about the condition of my heart and confession of wrong doing. Whether the person receives the apology is irrelevant compared to the place I needed to get to say the words.
He walked by my office today. I asked if he had a minute. As he stood in my doorway I humbly shared that I was sorry for the look and way I behaved last week. I said I was sorry. He said he was the one that felt bad about what happened and that I didn't even need to apologize. I told him that the way I behaved was not who I want to be. I asked him to receive my apology and he said he did.
And that was the end. No long, drawn out conversation. No defensiveness. No need for lengthy discussions of who was right or wrong or appropriate or inappropriate. An honest apology and a simple acceptance.
Self appraisal and repairing of damage done is from the heart and it is part of our confession and forgiveness posture with Jesus. Most of my life this has been the easiest part of my walk with Jesus, confession and repentance. I have been slower to do this with people. I suppose I don't have as much faith in people to offer this kind of grace, like Jesus does or like this pastor did with me today, but I am moved towards a hopefulness in people in a way that I have not been moved in a long time.
Redemption for me leads me towards redemption for others.
Who do you need to apologize to? Today? What's stopping you?
March 25, 2012
Tattoo
I went to a place called White Lotus on Friday. White Lotus is a tattoo shop in Mission Viejo. I went there out of a recommendation from my friend Allison, who has great work and I trust her. Just know that it wasn't Kat Von D's shop by any means, but it was cool.
I left work at 1:30 with my friend's Dre and Shelia. Dre and I have been looking for time on both our schedules for 4 months, so this long awaited adventure was not without high expectation and anticipation. The three of us walked into the shop and were immediately greeted by the smell of sterilization and ink.
Somewhat a familiar smell from the days when my junior high students would spend the periods writing on their desks and I would clean them at the end of the day with bleach. Odd to flashback to that chapter of my life, given it is not with much fondness. I learned so much from that chapter, but am also thankful for every year that passes that distances me from it. That was a dark time for me professionally, as I was given 90 precious students to care for, teach and inspire and instead found I had no idea what I was doing, was consumed by the complexity of their lives that I could not change and slipped into a state of anxiety and depression I'd like to never revisit.
This moment for me on Friday was just the opposite. I've spent years thinking about this tattoo. The first time I ever walked into a tattoo parlor I was with my friend, Susie. I think we were 19. We were going to both get a daisy on our toe because there was a line in one of our favorite Girl Scout songs that said, 'there's a daisy on my toe, it is not real, it does not grow'. We decided against it. Friday I did not decide against it, well almost, because I am not a fan of self induced pain, but as you can see that quickly passed.
I chose the word peace because as I have learned more and more about anxiety and depression I have learned that the Lord meets me in that place. Every. Single. Time. As I read this from Philippines...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:4-9 NIV)
...I am settled and I know that God is worthy of my rejoicing far more than that which I have anxiety about.
Greg, the tattoo artist, was quick to tell me that the position of my tattoo was upside down. He wanted me to know that I was breaking the rules of the tattoo club by the placement of my word peace. I looked him in the eyes and with a twinkle in my eye, shared that this tattoo is for me. For me to read when I need to be reminded that God has been faithful to me time and again, that when I read the word peace that I am reminded of His truth to the world, that peace passes understanding. That in a world I wish I could demand order and sense out of everything, that it doesn't always workout that way. I told him I needed to be able to read it and that I didn't mind that the world would not be able to. I leaned in and whispered, as if such a permanent marking was anything other than personal, "This is for me." And then smiled.
He said, "Alright."
When the stencil was just write, 2 fonts sizes and 4 placements later, I waved Dre and Shelia back to the area where the art was about to take place. Dre offered her hand for me to hold. At first I declined but as he picked up his tools to begin I grabbed for her hand. And let's be clear. It hurt. Not tear inducing but definitely caused me to nearly crush every bone in Dre's hand a couple of times.
When it was all said and done I was pleased and super excited with what I saw. He told me how to take care of it and off we went. It was simple and quick. To have thought about something for so long, I kind of wish it had taken longer. I suppose the permanence of this mark on my left wrist is the "longer" part.
I don't ask you to agree with tattoo's or not agree with them. That's my choice and I like it. But I do ask you this, what do you find in your life that you are rooted in the word on? What do you acknowledge that you struggle with, day in and day out that God wants to shed hope on? And in that, are you letting Him?
March 21, 2012
Wednesday
I had a gentleman come in to the church today and ask to speak with me.
I know it's going to be an interesting conversation when I arrive in the lobby, stick my hand out to shake and the person leans in for a hug. I didn't hug him. My working in Care does not mean it's free hug wednesday.
I escorted him to the table that is off to the side of our lobby and asked him what he wanted to talk about.
Immediately he began asking personal questions about another church member. With no affect change and a very difficult attempt to not give him the inquisitive head tilt, I told him he was asking for confidential information that I could not share. I offered the fair reply, that if someone were asking similar questions about him, I would protect his information as well. Surely he would understand this, right?
Ha. Nope. He just reworded the question. Oh, I thought to myself, of course, well now that you said it that way, let me just share all the details.
He left on the note of threatening me with a subpoena. I just nodded and left him with a kind smile.
If you think working at a church is about reading the bible all day or singing hymns from page 192, it's not. It is way more colorful than that. Where else can you start with a hug and end with a threat?
March 20, 2012
It's been a while
I have not actually put words on my blog in a really long time. I have lists, I have updates to those lists, I have safe things, that I propose nobody can judge. And if they did, I'm not attached to them emotionally so I wouldn't really care if they did.
Why has this been the case?
I decided somewhere along the way that I didn't have much to say. That even if I did have something to say that those who have criticised before, would criticize again, and I was not so much interested in that. The truth is, I am still concerned with the critics. Those voices are the loudest voices in my head when it comes to writing. But among my concern is a still small voice that keeps at me saying, "Write it down. Share it with others. What you have to say might help someone. And if you can't write something that will change the whole world, it's okay, just write it down for the one that it will help."
So, I'm going to write here. I just going to unpack my day. I'm going to share how I see the world. On my most insecure of days, I may even just share what I think the world see's of me. I am going to share my pain, my joy, my hardest days and those moments that are so amazing I cannot even believe it myself without a slight pinch to the upper-inner arm.
I love to write. I LOVE TO WRITE. There. I said it. I love it. I'm good at it. Not everyday, but sometimes. And I don't think that's pride. I think that is acknowledging God has given me a gift to string words together to make people think and feel and laugh and cry and wonder. He gave me this gift so I can use it. Hiding this light under a bushel has been out of fear. I'm not fearless, for goodness sake I'm human, but I am courageous. I am anchored to the truth that I am not given a spirit of fear so that seems like a pretty good place to start again. This is going to be a season where I learn to write in spite of the little bugger.
Here goes... the train is leaving the station.
January 02, 2012
Monday 1/2/12
one... two... one-two... this is a fun date in time.
Today is my sil's 33rd bday... Happy Birthday Becky! Love you!
For Becky's birthday we went to a late lunch at Cheesecake Factory. One of the best menu's of all commercial American cuisine right now. It's interesting, I don't remember CCF always having a good menu. Rightly so, since the point of the joint is good cheesecake. But then they went from good to great by hitching their creamy cheese goodness to some of the best savory delights! So, well done CCF. More interesting than this random thought of mine... We didn't even order any cheesecake. I suppose the different topics covered during the meal, including the evil in carbonated soda, wishing we all had the amount of money needed for personal trainers and committing to drinking more water this year, cheesecake would have been a bit hypocritical. Nevertheless we had a lovely lunch. I hit one of my Project 52 goals: I ordered New Orleans Shrimp. (I substituted broccoli for rice.) It was positively delicious!
What was not so delicious was the aftertaste of the Rose Bowl Parade being today. Just weird. I think I understand the respect of not having the parade or football games on a Sunday as that is a traditional day of rest in stereotypical conservative culture. To be honest, I totally forgot the parade was today for the first hour and a half of being up. Sally and I had watched a bit of Phineas and Ferb when I remembered and we turned it on. It just didn't feel the same. Yesterday was New Year's Day, not today. O'well, we don't have to think about it again for a while.
Something I might worry about for the next few weeks is the amount of cuts they showed of girls crying this season of Bachelor. Good grief. I do want Ben to find what he is looking for in a significant other; I want that for everyone. I do, however, think it is a bit unfair for the producers to pick women/girls that act like they haven't been watching the show for years. I mean, really, you just had no idea it was going to be so emotional? I've been hearing this line in the cameo interviews every season since the show aired. By the way, the first episode aired March, 2002. That means that the girls that are 21 or 22 years old were children. They have been raised on this show, watched it with their high school friends and college dorm mates, etc. So early runner from my view on the couch: I like Rachel. She was the first girl out, the only girl to really pull off wearing a red gown. I didn't mind that he picked the horse rider for the first impression rose. All in a all a good first night. I thought the London girl might be around more than just tonight, but she has enough personality to more on with her life.
Back to reality in my life tomorrow. Back to a 5:45am alarm clock, back to work/ministry. I've enjoyed a week off and sleeping in and spontaneous activities. I enjoyed celebrating Christmas and New Years with family and friends. I enjoyed my birthday, too! I am also so grateful to be back at story time, back to a schedule and working in a place that God has called me to. He allows me to grab His hand and another person's hand and put the two together, take a step back and watch Him work in their life.
What did you observe in your day today?
January 01, 2012
Crick
A common balance of confident & insecure.
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